NARRATOR: "Holding the library books with one arm, I trawl my pocket for the key to the door. A sudden sound from behind startles me, making me nearly drop the books I'm carrying or the key that I almost managed to get into the lock."

KENJI: "Who is it?"

NARRATOR: "I turn around to see who is talking to me. It's Kenji. He seems to be in a friendly mood, although the light glinting off his glasses in the dark gives him a sinister look."

HISAO: "It's just me."

NARRATOR: "This makes him pause and lick his lips nervously."

KENJI: "Who is me? I don't know anyone called me. Are you some new guy again?"

NARRATOR: "His voice is suddenly strained and quick."

HISAO: "Yes... but we've met before. Yesterday."

KENJI: "I don't think so, I would remember someone who I met only yesterday. ...When was that? What day is it today?"

NARRATOR: "I try to ignore him. Is he joking or what?"

KENJI: "Prove that we've met before!"

HISAO: "You live across the hall. You're Kenji."

NARRATOR: "Kenji jumps back, his eyes filled with an uncomprehending fear."

KENJI: "How do you know my name? Damn, this can only mean one of two things: Either we have met, and you are telling the truth, and I just can't remember it, or you are a spy."

NARRATOR: "He pauses."

KENJI: "A psychic spy."

NARRATOR: "His eyes dart around me, trying to peek into my room, although it's hard to believe he can see anything through those thick glasses. His mood swung from friendly to manic in less than a minute."

HISAO: "I'm not psychic."

KENJI: "How do I know that? I'm not a mind reader."

NARRATOR: "Kenji points a finger in my face damningly."

KENJI: "...Unlike you!"

HISAO: "Stop that, man. We met yesterday. What's wrong with you? I live in this room."

KENJI: "Lies. If you think you can pass as Hisao because I'm legally blind you are sorely mistaken. You don't even look like him. I mean, the resemblance is real, real slim. Maybe at a distance, but who do you think you're kidding?"

NARRATOR: "I want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him. Exasperated, I rub my eyes and let out a heavy sigh."

KENJI: "Stay there."

NARRATOR: "Kenji comes closer, one careful step at a time. I stay still, lest he assault me physically, although I doubt he could do much damage even if he did."

KENJI: "Oh, wait, I see it now. Damn, it really is you."

NARRATOR: "Sighing again, and then once again for good measure, I step backwards, just in case."

KENJI: "What's up, man? You don't look too good. I think. Something wrong?"

HISAO: "I don't know. Just had something stupid happen to me. A few stupid things, actually. Even if you discount this one. I can't get a proper touch on other people here, and I have no idea if it's because of me or because of them."

NARRATOR: "I don't know why I'm telling this to Kenji. It's not like we've had any contact either."

KENJI: "That's rough, dude. Yeah, I'm sorry about calling you a psychic spy and all, but you can never be too careful. It's the hard reality we live in."

NARRATOR: "I'm slowly starting to think that Kenji isn't necessarily living in the same reality as the rest of us."

KENJI: "You see? This is how it is, this world. There is no justice. You see? Even when I lose, I win, because I don't lose the lesson."

HISAO: "...What does that even mean?"

KENJI: "It doesn't matter."

NARRATOR: "He dismisses it flatly with a wave of his hand."

KENJI: "So what happened? Why the long face? Do you have a long face?"

HISAO: "Eh, it's nothing. I just scared some girl off accidentally. Literally too, she actually ran away from me."

HISAO: "Was my fault, really, I think. I'm not really... used to all this yet."

KENJI: "A girl? A cute one?"

NARRATOR: "Cute? That's a hard question. She had a nice body and really beautiful hair... but the face... I guess it could go either way."

HISAO: "Yeah, cute I guess."

KENJI: "I knew it!"

HISAO: "Not exactly cute, no."

KENJI: "Hmm..."

KENJI: "There are a lot of cute girls here. A strangely disproportionate amount... I believe this is one of the dark secrets of this school. I tried to warn you man, but did you listen..."

NARRATOR: "I don't remember any such warning."

HISAO: "Dark secrets?"

KENJI: "Yes, dark secrets. Extremely dark. Like a black hole. Have you noticed that the number of girls in this school is slightly but significantly higher than the number of boys? It's like 60-40."

NARRATOR: "He turns his head to the left and stares off into the distance at nothing."

KENJI: "Why is it like this? I mean, to the untrained eye, it doesn't appear to be that bad, but that is a full 20%. One would think that a school with such a huge pool of women would be a man's dream. But no! What I am about to tell you could blow your mind. Are you ready?"

NARRATOR: "I don't know where this is going, but I think I won't be missing much by cutting out now."

HISAO: "No, I am not ready."

NARRATOR: "I only get as far as turning the doorknob before Kenji starts talking again, showing that he doesn't really care if my mind is blown or not."

KENJI: "I believe that this school is a battleground. The site of a feminist infiltration. This disparity in the number of men to women is a clear sign of how far they have come. In case this cold war turns hot, they will have superiority in numbers. Just another skirmish in the eternal war against the forces of the feminists... They're everywhere. In Japan, women outnumber men. It's not a 60-40 split, but it's only a matter of time, man... Even in America, women are the majority by a hair. They're building up their numbers. In the past, the buildup of a military has always been the clearest sign of imminent war. Japan is just the first step. Our economy is badass, and the country itself is small and isolated, yet a huge part of the Pacific in terms of political value. The perfect target. They are so cunning... As expected of women. Soon, the day will come, when..."

NARRATOR: "Kenji's voice trails off ominously."

KENJI: "That is why you can't trust them. They will string you along, and then kill you, just as they killed me. You will end up just like me."

HISAO: "Oh, hell no..."

NARRATOR: "I can't stop myself from blurting it out."

KENJI: "Hey! What the hell does that mean?!"

HISAO: "You said it, not me."

NARRATOR: "It's the best I can think of."

KENJI: "So? You're not supposed to say something like that! Damn, so rude. Where was I? Oh, yeah, vast feminist conspiracy."

HISAO: "Stop it. Stop! I lost you way, way back there somewhere. Somewhere around 'feminist infiltration.'"

KENJI: "Too hard to follow? It's cool, I have some graphs and stuff in my room. And puppets. You like puppets?"

HISAO: "No puppets."

KENJI: "You don't like puppets, okay. Graphs are still cool, though, right?"

NARRATOR: "He speaks energetically, responding almost before I'm done talking, moving his hands in an animated way as he continues to rant on. This is too strange. I had him pegged as relatively normal, but it's clear that I was wrong."

KENJI: "Something on your mind, dude?"

HISAO: "Just thinking about what it's like to be the last sane man in an insane world."

NARRATOR: "Kenji frowns, looking deeply upset."

KENJI: "You mean that's you? That can't be, because I'm the last sane man in an insane world. That is my dream, you can't just steal a man's dream. What the hell, there can't be two last sane men. It would invalidate that whole “last” part... and that part is kind of important. There can only be one, like in that foreign movie where there could only be one, and in the end there is only one dude left, because that was the point."

NARRATOR: "I have never seen anyone talk so heatedly and so defensively about absolutely nothing before."

KENJI: "Anyway, if you wait here, I can get my graphs. I also have a list of the other dark and complex conspiracies that this school holds, as tangled as... Quick, finish my analogy for me. Be a pal."

HISAO: "I'm going to go to bed now. It's extremely late."

KENJI: "That doesn't sound like an analogy. But whatever. I like you, you seem like a cool dude. Most people don't understand what I'm talking about when I try to explain the vast feminist conspiracy to them. Denial is a terrible thing. Later."

NARRATOR: "He claps me on the back and then vanishes into his room so quickly and quietly it's like he didn't even open the door but instead walked right through it like a ghost. I don't know if I can fully digest what just happened, so I give up and just go to my room, kicking off my shoes before falling facefirst into bed. It takes me some time to relax and get up so I can get started on homework. It's because the sheets are cool and comforting against my cheeks, and it feels good just lying there with my eyes closed. This school is like some kind of bizarre and surreal island. It's isolated on top of a mountain, and each person is stranger than the last. I just can't seem to fit in. What irony, one would think that fitting in a place that's made for people who are unfit for anywhere else would be easy."

HISAO: "Maybe I'm trying too hard."

NARRATOR: "Although I say that, it doesn't help take the edge off, and the words are left echoing off my empty walls. I guess it's not as bad as I expected, though. This place really is more a school and less a hospital pretending it's a school than I thought it would be. If nothing else, the scenery is beautiful. I open one eye, seeing the schoolbooks and bottles of pills arranged side-by-side on my desktop. Maybe this place is too much like a normal school, after all."


Next Scene: Lunch Evolution Theory